ANC says Zuma was referring to James Bond, not Nkandla bond

As Jacob Zuma is accused of lying over having a bond on his Nkandla home, the ANC has defended the President, saying that he was referring to his box-set of James Bond films. “He never said he had a mortgage, he said he had a Bond,” said a spokesman. Meanwhile, Zuma is reportedly keen to star in a rebooted Bond series, starting with Shaiken Not Stirred.

Speaking to journalists this morning from the west wing of the west wing of the west wing of the sauna in the not-compound, spokeswoman Ms Mani Pedi said that Zuma had been paying off his Bonds for months.

“It’s the box set,” she explained. “He would have paid cash but as we all know, the President is a public servant and only earns R83 a month after deductions for medical aid, insurance, pension, and giant sprawling homesteads with bulletproof gyms and underground bunkers.”

She said Zuma had ordered the box set because he was a huge fan of the British spy, and because “if you put all the films in the right order, you can see a picture of a woman’s leg across them all”.

“The President has always admired 007,” said Pedi. “Just this morning he told his bodyguard, Blokkies, how he wished he could have a submarine shaped like an ice-berg so he could creep into Table Bay and torpedo Helen Zille. Blokkies mistakenly thought he was making a sexual innuendo, and the President deployed a counterrevolutionary judo chop into his neck. Blokkies was out for twenty minutes.”

But, she said, Zuma was becoming frustrated with the “rampant feminism” of the newer films.

“It upsets him that Bond has to take orders from a woman who looks like Helen Zille,” she said. “Which is why he is planning to reboot the series, starring himself. It’s high time we had a 70-year-old Zulu Bond.”

Pedi revealed that Mac Maharaj had already been approached to write the scripts for the reboots, “because he has this wonderful talent for writing outrageous lines that you can say with a straight face”, and that Blade Nzimande would do the editing, because of his “penchant for deleting anything that makes him feel uncomfortable”.

“We’re looking at a 2014 release date for Shaiken Not Stirred, which will see Bond battling a corrupt loan-shark who has a terminal disease but who can’t die. It’s going to be whack.”

After that, she said, Zuma would turn to more traditional remakes of Bond classic, including Spin Dr No, From Nkandla With Love, You Only Rule Twice (Unless We Change The Constitution), and The Man With The Golden Handshake.

“He’s especially keen to do the more physically demanding roles that Daniel Craig brought to the part,” she said. “Which is why he’s probably going to work out a bit before he starts shooting Compound Royal or Windfall.”

- hayibo