South Africans have offered Jacob Zuma a huge outpouring of love and hugs after a testy debate in Parliament yesterday in which he revealed that he felt hurt by allegations over Nkandla. Citizens will reportedly give him a card, featuring 51 million signatures, that reads, ‘Ag shame! Poor you! Your feelings were hurt. That’s sooooo mean.’
As opposition parties demanded to know how R250-million in taxpayers’ money was being spent inside the Nkandla not-compound, a visibly hurt Zuma said that he had been “painted black”. Panicked bodyguards immediately rushed to his side with bottles of paint-stripper and rags before realizing that he was using a metaphor.
This morning, millions of South Africans reacted with an outpouring of sympathy for their poor, beleaguered, hard-done-by and generally abused President, saying that it was “awful that such a jolly man was feeling so sad”.
“Just because politicians need to be completely self-obsessed, destroy reputations, warp the justice system and big business to their own ends, and spew out an endless stream of half-truths and outright lies to the voters, doesn’t mean they don’t have an ickle diddums little child’s soul in there that can easily be hurt,” explained psychologist, Rory Rorschach.
“I think poor Jacob is terribly sad at the moment. If I got him on my couch, I bet I’d easily find up to 783 counts of Freud.”
Unemployed mother of three, Patience Zulu, who lives in a septic tank in Diepsloot with her ailing mother, said her troubles seemed insignificant next to those of the President.
“I just want to say to Msholozi: sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you,” she said. “Every morning I wake up, shoo the rats off Mamma, and then we thank God that we the people have paid for that giant fence around Nkandla so that no sticks or stones will ever touch his precious bone. But words can still hurt, so hang in there, Mr President!”
In his responses to Parliament, Zuma insisted that he was funding his own homes himself, and that the other buildings in the not-compound, six of which cost R8-million each, were separate structures built and paid for by the Department of Public Works.
Benoni panel-beater, Trompie Tromp, said he was “absolutely sure” that Zuma was telling the truth.
“It happens all the flipping time,” he said. “You’re renovating your little house, you go out for lunch, and when you come back, the bloody Department of Public Works has banged down a cluster of mansions in your yards, plus a soccer field, plus a gym, plus a bunker. It’s so annoying. And then to have people accuse you of siphoning off public money, well, that just really hurts.”
Meanwhile, the President is reportedly resting peacefully today, and is feeling slightly better. According to an aide, his feelings are still terrible raw, but, with the prayers of all South Africans, and a “quiet little steam” in the Nkandla sauna, “he might pull through”
- Hayibo
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