FNB branches forced to close as poor demand bonds for mansions too

Reports that President Jacob Zuma financed his R248-million Nkandla residence with a bond from FNB forced the bank to close some branches today, as poor South Africans stormed in waving application forms. “I also have a dodgy financial history and I don’t own the land I want to build on,” said Homeless Nthebe. “In other words, I am eligible for a big fat bond.”

Millions of South Africans around the country on Tuesday expressed joy and excitement at the prospect of owning homes for the first time. The reactions came as news spread that the President may indeed have financed his Nkandla home via an FNB bond, despite being up to his neck in debt and planning to build on land owned by a tribal trust.

“I can almost taste my luscious and delicious bond,” said Noflatz Dube, 38, who currently lives beneath an underpass. “This cardboard box was beginning to fray, but in a matter of weeks I expect to have exchanged it for a Louis XIV-style chateau.”

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Dube said that he was thrilled to have the opportunity to begin climbing the property ladder.

“I did climb a property ladder once before, but that was just to explore the possibility of hooking a flat-screen TV out of a window using a mop with a bit of twisted clothes hanger on the end.”

He explained that he was exploring a number of different locations for his home before he began construction, but admitted he “quite fancied” a spot on the bank of Zoo Lake.

“I find being near to a large body of water calming and meditative,” Dube said. “Previously that only happened when the drains flooded in this ditch, but with FNB’s help I hope to soon be stepping out on to my diamond-encrusted jetty.”

Boytjie du Preez, 22, expressed similar enthusiasm.

“I finished my Bachelors degree in Advanced Binge-Drinking and Pick-up Lines last year and I’ve been crashing with my parents ever since,” he said. “It’s a total buzzkill cos mom gets all period-y when I use her Waterford crystal for a bong, which is lank unfair because that shit conducts hash like a philharmonic orchestra.”

Du Preez explained that he had not expected to become a home-owner until his mid to late 60s.

“I’m flippin stoked, true story,” he said. “Me and my boy Chimpo are gonna build this three-storey monster pad but it won’t have any stairs inside, just a moerse foefie-slide, and the door will have a ‘chick-flap’ so that birds can leave in the morning without hassling us.”

He paid tribute to FNB’s generous approach to bond-approvals on behalf of his generation. “You okes are sick, no lies.”

- hayibo